Passive-aggressive Friends: When Trust Hurts

Passive-aggressive friends are bad travel companions. Despite everything, it is sometimes difficult to leave them on the platform, to say goodbye to them, to explain to them that nothing is easy with them, that friendship hurts and that we suffer because of their way of being. So, while it’s true that dealing with these kinds of relationships isn’t easy, we should think about it anyway.

So what would be better to do in these situations? Maintain this bond or speak seriously with this person and ask them to change? In truth, in these types of situations, there is no one-size-fits-all formula. There are different passive-aggressive personality subtypes  and therefore we may find ourselves dealing with people who have more harmful behaviors than others.

However, even if there are different typologies, living with a passive-aggressive person means  having to endure, almost daily, behaviors marked by insecurity, ambivalence, resentment and even hidden aggressiveness. These people can be very subtle, but when you share your time with them, these subtleties disappear and hurt.

Whatever the case, the most appropriate is to know how to react. Having a passive-aggressive friend implies, among other things, experiencing conflicts almost continuously and being slowly demoralized. However, this is not what one expects from a relationship of friendship. Let’s dig a little deeper into this topic.

Passive-aggressive friends, a very common personality type

The passive-aggressive personality has been described in psychology for over a century. It was the Austrian psychoanalyst Wilhem Reich who spoke about it for the first time after the Second World War. According to him, this type of personality was the most predominant among the population.

Shortly thereafter, this profile appeared in the  Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM),  under the category of personality disorders.

However, in later versions of this manual, it has moved from being considered a “disorder” to seeing it as a personality form  which in some cases can appear with other conditions, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder or dependent personality disorder.

Moreover, and we know it well, this type of behavior can appear in many people around us: fathers, mothers, spouse, colleagues, friends … There is however a curious fact:  it is easier for us to identify this behavior in others than in ourselves. We must keep this in mind: we are all likely to set up such painful dynamics.

Passive-aggressive friends and their behavior

When we talk about passive-aggressive friends, the subject is even more complicated. Why ? Because in general, time and affection unite us with these people. It is possible that we have been through a lot by their side and have even gotten used to being patient, forgiving them and giving them new opportunities.

However,  we know that something is wrong with them but we do not know how to define it. So let’s see, right now, what characterizes this type of profile. For this, we will base ourselves on the work of Theodore Millon.

They are crooked

What exactly does it mean to be crooked? This term refers to a convoluted type of behavior. Here are a few examples:

• They are prone to procrastination. They take a long time to give answers, to go to a meeting, to react when something is expected of them

• These are the people who always “forget” things,  those in whom you cannot trust and who always have excuses and justifications to give you.
• These friends tend to get angry frequently; when they do, they use silence as punishment

They are abrasive

Passive-aggressive friends engage in abrasive behaviors that hurt and leave emotional marks. It means that  their relationship with others is harmful; they can use an apparent moral superiority to judge and criticize us and  then suddenly become dependent and submissive.

Passive-aggressive friends are unstable

A phrase that defines them perfectly is “with but without you”. They feel the need to control us, to be on top of us to supervise every aspect of our life but, at the same time, they can’t stand our giving our opinion on what they are doing or ceasing to do.

In addition, it is usual to see them full of energy and positivity at the start of the day and then, a few hours later, full of resentment and suffering.

The eternal dissatisfaction

Passive-aggressive friends see a problem in every situation, a mistake in every detail, a little dirt on every sparkling window. This prevents us from sharing our joys with them  because they are very good at extinguishing our happiness and our hopes.

This personality type is also very adept at using victimhood. Passive-aggressive friends always wear glasses that make others invisible and only make them see their biased reality.

I have a passive-aggressive friend, what can I do?

Passive-aggressive friends can demoralize us and hijack the concept of friendship. We should not get used to this type of behavior; on the contrary, we can react by using concrete strategies.

• Do not fall into their trap:  if your friend stops talking to you because of an argument, let him do so; if he asks you something you don’t want to do, don’t do it; if he accuses you of anything, don’t listen to him. We should especially not follow these behaviors or let them affect us
• Always keep this point in mind:  the passive-aggressive is afraid of being ignored  and losing your friendship. So don’t give any importance to his threats or forms of blackmail.
• Firmness and calm. You need to make those passive-aggressive friends understand that you will not tolerate these types of behavior. Talk to them calmly: balance should always be your best strategy

• If you don’t see any change, distance yourself:  these people need to understand that their behaviors cannot happen again. If they behave the same way again and don’t feel like changing, improving, and realizing it, it is best to distance themselves

Ideally, this personality type would get professional help. However, since passive-aggressive people do not always take this step, we must try to protect our psychological well-being by reminding ourselves that this type of behavior is extremely harmful.

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