Do You Know What Avoidant Attachment Is?

Attachment is a close emotional bond that is forged with those who care for us and provide us with security. It is undoubtedly very intense at the beginning of our life. During these early stages of life, we are totally dependent on the protection of those around us in order to survive. Thus, attachment naturally forms as a guarantee or an assurance of survival, but at the same time it marks, and very much, the nature of first relationships.

When the adults who take care of us play their role well, it is very likely that we will develop a secure attachment type, regardless of our temperament. We are completely dependent on each other, but this does not give rise to a feeling of anxiety or frustration. It is the opposite: when we are not listened to or when we are rejected, it is very likely that we develop insecure attachment bonds. It is a form of dependence loaded with anxiety and ambivalence.

“Enemies like hatred and attachment have no legs, arms or other limbs, courage or skill. So how did they manage to enslave me? ”

-Shantideva-

The way in which these bonds are forged during our first years of life will have a great influence on how we affect others, unless we consciously act on them. Thus, we can say that such ties leave a deep, almost indelible imprint. What we can observe in adulthood, therefore, is a tendency to reproduce the attachment style that each person consolidated in their childhood: in a way, the first attachment relationships told us what we might or might not expect from others.

Attachment theory

John Bowlby, an English psychoanalyst, took an interest in the theme of attachment and developed a theory of it. From his observations, he was able to demonstrate that we have a phylogenetic predisposition to develop bonds. These links are particularly directed at all the people who bring us protection and security or failing that, towards those who should bring them to us.

Later, psychologist Mary Dinsmore Ainsworth identified three types of attachment. They are: secure attachment, ambivalent or resistant attachment, and avoidant or rejecting attachment. According to his research, most people develop the first type, but there are also a good number of individuals who fit into the other two.

Secure attachment allows you to build close and spontaneous emotional ties. The insecure (the ambivalent and avoidant) have great difficulty in building intimacy with other people.

The origin of attachment types

When parents have a good attitude and a good availability towards their child, close bonds of security are formed. In this case, the children act in a predictable way. If their mother pulls away, they cry and feel bad for a few seconds before focusing on their surroundings again. When she returns, they are happy and express it with affection and joy.

If parents are distant or even “rejecting” towards their child or on the contrary, have too many expectations , it is very likely that the child will develop an insecure type of attachment. When this happens, children feel that their needs will not be met or fear that they will not be met in the future: hence their anxiety or avoidance as a way of protecting themselves from abandonment or abandonment. anticipated indifference.

They may also learn that showing affection makes the people they love most, their parents, uncomfortable. Children then begin to keep their emotions to themselves. In this case, when the mother walks away, the child hardly reacts. And when she returns, he also remains aloof and engrossed in what he’s doing. They thus develop a false independence.

Effects of avoidant attachment and ways to overcome it

The effects of avoidant attachment are present in adulthood too. Children who have grown up with this model grow into adults who are virtually incapable of expressing their emotions. But not only to express them, but also to feel and identify them. They move away emotionally from everything and everyone. They can be unmoved by others and indifferent to their own feelings.

These are people who will try to find a solution to the problems of the outside world, because the inner part of their consciousness does not interest them.

This situation is particularly frequent in the couple’s world. We are worried about losing the loved one. These people believe that by not showing their emotions or minimizing them, they are protecting themselves against possible suffering. They avoid real dialogues and are afraid of others, whom they anticipate. Instead of expressing their discomforts with words, they do so with fits and false conflicts. They suffer a lot because they cannot love serenely. They love as if a serious threat gravitates around them, a threat they are often not able to identify.

Even though attachment patterns tend to hold up, it is still possible to moderate and polish them. Sometimes the experience of losing these beloved figures leads to reflections and changes. Sometimes this is achieved through psychotherapy. It is also possible to become aware of this and to work individually to learn to understand the world in a more constructive way.

Overcoming the avoidant attachment involves restoring the relationship that exists between the person and their interior, often by healing a bruised self-esteem that leads to dull (unidentified) pain. It is only when this relationship is healed that the person can see the inside of those around him. Thus, it is only when one considers one’s own emotions that the possibility of empathy emerges, the consideration of others.

It is therefore very important to change your communication models. Open them, both for good and for bad, so as to allow a controlled expression of emotions to exist, so that others have the opportunity to accept them, to validate them and even, to accompany them.

Said so, it sounds very easy, but if learning is difficult, unlearning is even more so. Realize that what we learn in childhood, or much of what we learn, is the foundation upon which we have built the rest of our knowledge and habits that characterize us today. Hence the fact that the help of a professional is highly recommended. Otherwise the earthquake that we could cause by changing a tiny part of our attachment style could destroy us.

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