I Have Less Trouble Talking To Strangers Than Acquaintances
What happens when you don’t feel understood by friends or relatives? You may choose to talk to strangers to make up for this lack. You can even feel a lot better because of it. Now, is it normal to have less trouble talking to strangers than to acquaintances? What mechanisms are set in motion for this curious phenomenon to occur?
Although this is not usual, it can be considered normal. There are profiles of people who have a hard time relating to people they know. They encounter more difficulties and feel less secure. Why? This is due to the fear of negative or even positive judgment that others may make.
Why do we feel comfortable talking to strangers?
Talking with strangers can make us feel comfortable. And when we say “talk” we are referring to establishing other types of social relationships. Take a shower in the gym locker room or strike up a conversation at work, for example.
However, when we are with a friend or loved one with whom we already have a bond of trust, we may feel terrible shame or fear. Yes, we can feel bad. We are afraid of what others may think of us. Of the negative image that can form in their head. We don’t want them to know about our flaws. This obeys the bad image we have of ourselves. In a way, we are ashamed of our looks, our social skills, etc.
Oddly enough, the fear we feel doesn’t just come from the negative judgment that might be made. Because if the latter is positive, we can also be ashamed of it, as we have said. It means that we are insecure.
The point is that by conversing with strangers, the topics are normally more empty, routine… As if we were following a script that was not written but that we are used to and that makes us feel comfortable. In these types of situations, we can come to interpret a role, that is to say not to show ourselves as we really are. Why? Because this moment will be short and because we will probably not meet this person again.
Psychologists even believe that interacting with strangers gives us different benefits than we might get from talking to loved ones. Talking with strangers makes people feel happier, behave more pleasantly, and feel part of the community, according to a study by Elizabeth Dunn, professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia.
Why do we talk more freely with strangers?
The key lies in the triviality of the conversation. If you’re used to working with an audience, you won’t have a hard time being nice to people you don’t know. You know you will talk about time or life and then that person will disappear.
However, as the conversation becomes more intimate, you may start to show yourself for who you are. This is where the fear of the judgment of the other appears. Just like the shame of showing ourselves as we really are.
A very curious phenomenon then occurs. The image that a stranger will have of us is not going to worry us. This is not at all the case when we talk to a loved one or an acquaintance.
Obviously, the more intimacy we gain with a person, the more they will focus on our positive attributes and also our flaws. The effect we are causing in that person may be too hard to accept.
What if you are in this situation?
Clinical psychologist Encarni Muñoz Silva offers us a series of tips that we can put into practice when speaking with people we already know. Here they are:
- When you talk to a loved one, think about what is really scary and what could happen. Surely it wouldn’t be that bad.
- Tell yourself that you cannot constantly live behind a mask or armor. You won’t be able to please everyone. Some people will reject you: you have to learn to live with this reality.
- Make sure your secret is serious. Can’t you really tell it? What do you have to hide?
- You may be afraid that you will be hurt. However, if you protect yourself behind armor, it may not be people who are harming you but yourself. Indeed, you will not trust anyone. And do not develop the social skills essential to live in a group.
- You don’t have to be afraid to show yourself for who you are, with your mistakes, flaws, and successes. You should only try to correct them if they don’t appeal to you. Do not hide them from those who trust you because they themselves have their faults. We all have them.
Be aware that it is relatively normal to talk with strangers. And to feel bad when doing it with loved ones. But it doesn’t have to be this way. The ideal is to feel comfortable with the people we already know. Avoid feeling tension and anxiety because of this little problem. Because it won’t get you anywhere.
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