Gaslighting: A Form Of Hidden Emotional Abuse

Have you ever heard of Gaslighting ? To find out what this is about, let’s take an example. You’ve probably found yourself in a situation where you are told that you said something, and yet you don’t remember saying it. You dig into your memory and conclude that, no, really, you didn’t say it. You are convinced that you are right.

However, the person says you said it, and they do it so confidently that you end up agreeing with them. You end up believing that maybe you said it, even though you can’t remember it. It is possible that you are a victim of Gaslighting.

“If lies or bad faith get into the communication process, there will be manipulation, which can be reciprocal.”

-Albert Jacquard-

This phenomenon began to be detected in the 1960s. And although it also occurs in work and family situations, it is more common in couple relationships. It is defined as the repetitive act of manipulation that one person exercises on another. Its main objective is to undermine the safety of the victim, so that she perceives reality in a distorted way.

The gaslighting aims to disorient the victim

The gaslighting  is a deliberate form of lying, which aims to disorient the victim to get something from her.

It is a form of psychological abuse, characterized by its subtlety. Violence occurs very rarely but the intimidation is very strong. So, it is very difficult to detect. In addition, the manipulator is often someone who seems “trustworthy”, kind and with whom one maintains a close bond.

Here is a typical example of Gaslighting: when one of the members of the couple seeks to deny their infidelity. The victim can claim that she heard him flirt with someone on the phone. The manipulator knows that it is false but denies it, with such assurance as one believes in it. Her partner is then completely disoriented and accepts that he has confused flirtation with kindness.

The manipulator may even add that he / she has seen his / her partner very stressed-e lately. A supposed stress which does not give him the right to doubt him / her. Thanks to this attitude, he will sow the seed of doubt in the victim. This practice is much more frequent than we imagine. In recurring and extreme cases, the victim ends up believing that she is going mad.

We might fall for the mistake of thinking that this is a comedic situation and that we would never fall into such a ridiculous form of manipulation. However, we forget that this situation arises in relationships that involve our emotions. In fact, in this type of relationship, it is complex mechanisms of projection and introjection that operate.

Characteristics of Gaslighting

In general terms, the victim of Gaslighting is often a suspicious person, who apparently finds someone they trust. The manipulator is not sure of himself, but is obsessed with exercising control over others. He looks quite nice and says that he is looking for the well-being of the other. But this is just a masquerade. The victim ends up idealizing this person. And the land is ready to apply Gaslighting .

When this form of emotional manipulation is maintained for long periods of time, it has profoundly negative consequences for the victim. Most disturbing, without a doubt, is this victim’s submission to the “reality” imposed by the manipulator. The gaslighting causes as the abused-e chooses to appropriate conflict-her abuser is.

The gaslighting follows a pattern that three-step class. During the first, the victim puts up an argumentative resistance and refutes the assertions of the manipulator. Meanwhile, the stalker tries to convince her of how to think and feel. In fact, in some cases, they embark together in discussions or arguments lasting several hours. Finally, nothing very concrete emerges, apart from a great mental wear and tear.

During the second phase, the victim strives to have an open mind so that they can better understand the other’s point of view. However, since there is no reciprocity, she begins to doubt her certainties. The third stage is configured as a state of confusion in which the opinion of the victim disappears and where she thinks that what the executioner says is true: it is normality and therefore reality.

Aspects to know

There are personality characteristics that predispose some individuals to becoming potential victims of Gaslighting. Ailment deficiency is one of them. The potential victim sees the manipulator as a savior and idealizes him. This reaction causes the victim to interpret the manipulator’s advances as real proof of love. She feels that the manipulator, at least initially, pays her attention.

A person who needs to be right is more prone to suffer from this type of abuse. This situation arises when speaking from subjective points of view and when the arguments of the future victim lose strength as the confrontations and the resulting fatigue. Finally, the need to be recognized by others plays a decisive role. In this case, everything is served on a silver tray for the manipulator, who will not waste time and take advantage of this fragility.

To avoid falling into this type of toxic relationship, it is essential to keep a few tips in mind. The first thing is to stay alert to any manifestation that questions your beliefs and unbalances your self-confidence. Don’t fall for overly complicated discussions, that is, discussions that only fuel subjective points of view and lead nowhere.

Finally, try to strengthen your positions with solid arguments, so that they become convictions, YOUR convictions. Also, don’t allow others to question the way you think or feel. Know that this is the ideal culture medium for anyone who wants to manipulate you.

Also read:

Main image from “Gaslight”, George Cukor, 1944