Serving As A Mediator Involves Listening And Not Speaking
Mediators are those people who dedicate their time to finding an understanding between brothers and sisters who fight over an inheritance, between spouses who fight in court for child custody and between neighbors who hate each other; they manage to make all these people finally hold hands after all those times when they couldn’t look each other in the eye. The president of the Madrid Association of Mediators, Ana Criado Inchauspe, gives the key to the mediator’s work: it is not a question of speaking, but of listening.
Mediation experts say the best deal is one in which both sides perceive the other to have given way as well. And the one that lasts over time. The mediators are the “secondary characters of the films”, the protagonists are the parties concerned. So their job is to ask questions so that the parties involved listen to each other and end up talking about the real needs.
Serving as a mediator also seems to be the key word in the political arena. Political mediation is one of the essential characteristics of mediation and, therefore, the role of the mediator consists in facilitating the negotiation, through a simple bringing together of the parties, by refraining from intervening with proposals or personal opinions on the matter. of the subject of the controversy.
Serve as a mediator: the understanding one arrives at by understanding needs
To mediate is to discover that the forest is much larger than the fragmented view we had at the start of the negotiation. So, it is usual for each part to come up with a perfectly elaborated speech. She has spoken about it with those around her, she is convinced of it, she does not have the slightest doubt; however, very often this narrative is built on what she feels, not what is happening in reality.
Agreements, in order for them to be respected, must be reached and accepted by the parties. The mediator only accompanies them in this process. Some questions can be very effective. For example, the one that deals with the future: “How would you like your relationship to be in five years and what would have to happen to make it happen?”.
When each party comes to understand the needs of the other, the magic of understanding occurs. They suddenly open their eyes, transform and start to apologize. They work that way even in the most difficult situations, even when there has been a situation of violence. To mediate means to listen to the needs of the other.
The views found are extremely related to feelings
90% of conflicts are due to emotions (for example: fear that the other will think, because we have given way once, that we are going to do it continuously; the fear of confessing what we really want by fear of appearing vulnerable) and the rest, to lack of communication. This happens in the confrontations and negotiations that take place in all contexts, be it a divorce or a business conflict. On the other hand, the most difficult quarrels take place with those we love the most, family, friends, spouse, people we trust because the emotions that come into play are often stronger and the backgrounds of confrontation, longer.
Conflict is inherent in human beings. To ourselves. We are constantly immersed in different conflicts, not only with other people but also with ourselves. As social beings we are constantly bonding, and from this interaction conflicts frequently arise over the existence of competing interests. In itself, it is not so much a question of the opposition between the interests but of the perception that the parties have. In fact, the agreement that often ends up being reached is that of collaboration.
As we said earlier, one of the most common causes in the development of conflict is communication. Communication is essential in the relationship between two or more people and its course can lead to or resolve conflict, depending on the strategies the parties adopt. The role of the mediator is therefore also to ensure that the channels of communication remain open, with an ultimate goal: to reach an agreement which satisfies, to a certain extent, both parties.
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